Finding happiness: When photos reveal inner truths

Little yellow flower from my garden. Photo / Joselyn Khor

Looking back at my old photos (on FB) has been an eye-opener. Even though I went through untagging a few, I couldn't help but notice how happy and carefree I looked back in 2009. There was such light and joy surrounding the old me.

Guess when you're on the cusp of adulthood, everything induces a state of euphoria. Even stressful uni assignments.

Untainted by the pain of heartbreak/betrayal/missed opportunities/disappointment.

Now three years on, and the photos are of a soulless haggard mess. Gone are the twinkles in eyes turned to stone.

What was it back then that had me in such a state of bliss? Was it the naive impression of the world before me?

Innocence can be a blessing I reckon. Childlike bliss. When you enter the working world, it appears you've stepped through a doorway to hell. Dog eat dog. People devouring other people; chewing then spitting them out like tasteless gum.

The world of innocence forever banished to an untouchable realm.

This observation just struck me once I got thinking. "Man I would've liked to have been friends with the Joselyn of old. The pictures of the Joselyn now, I just want to run from."

I guess a lot of people have felt the same way about me. Three years has seen a marked transformation in my soul, spirit and disposition. The harsh lessons have hardened and shaped me into a person I can no longer recognise in the mirror.

I shudder to think what the old me would've thought.

So. That's me drowning in nostalgia, wanting to come up for a breath of fresh air. Breathe new life into this tired soul.

I miss the old me. Life keeps rolling on and pressing forward while I'm here wallowing. Which is wholly unhelpful.

The carefree days may be a thing from my past, but that doesn't mean I can't create new ones too.

There's defiance in me yet.

Smiling is sexy, apparently. Let's start with that. Let's start small. Let's find wonder in a small yellow flower. Joy in the sun giving vitamin D. Excitement in the stirring of the leaves, marking an atmospheric shift into warmer days.

Ushering in spring allows me to shed the dark, heavy burdens of old. 

Petals peel back in order for the flower to burst into bloom. Might take that as a sign for me too. It might be my cue to pull back this shield of sullen indifference to the world around me. Of which I've been using as a barrier to fight against unhappiness. (Ironically this barrier has become the thing helping unhappiness fester.)

So. I refuse to become jaded.

As it so happens, I feel a little sprightlier, my hands seem to be scrunching up in a ball, and there it goes, a little fist pump.

Time to bring sexy back.

Until next time,

Jos

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